Datsyuk – I don't know much about hockey, but I do know that Pavel Datsyuk is usually a lot more involved than this, or at least I hear his name a lot more.  I also heard that this guy has excellent vision.  Literally, like better than 20/20 vision.

Zetterberg – I don't even know what to say about Zetterberg.  Usually when I watch the Red Wings, it sounds something like this:

Ken Daniels: Datsyuk's doing a tripple sow cow coupled with a perfect no-look pass to Zetterberg.
Larry Murphy: Well this big boy is just-a dazzling this evening
Daniels: Oh and now he's spinning in circles!  I think he's. . .no, I don't believe what I'm seeing!  He's standing ON  TOP OF THE NET!  HE  SCORES!
Murphy: My good golley what a dandy that was, gee, I bet the boys in Toronto will have a dandy of a time looking    over this dandy!

But tonight it was more like this:

Daniels: And Datsyuk is standing somewhere around center ice... He's taken off both of his skates and one of his
socks, and he seems to be disoriented.  His hair is disheveled and he's peering longingly into the stands.

Muphy: Gard falfanang, I don't knew if. . . Did you knew this Lilja guy has been playing for weeks now?  Where    am I?  NO GOALIE.  NO GOALIE! Wait, Is this shit on?  The Blackhaws suck anyway.

Daniels: You sadden me greatly.  All of you.

As you can see, in either situation Zetterberg didn't do anything. But seriously, don't be mad at me if that's inaccurate, I've been switching between the game and SAG Awards, so who knows, maybe he was great whenever I wasn't watching.  Being Wings Fans, I doubt you saw Madmen win another award.  Does anyone watch that show?  I haven't, I heard the 60's blew anyway, so whatever.  ANYWAY, watching this Wings game made me feel like THIS:

(skip to two minutes in)

Soupy Sales – He scored a goal, so I can't knock him.  Enough with all the Bertuzzi haters.  By the way, can we make Todd Bertuzzi's new nickname Soupy Sales?  There's nothing behind it, but I mean, why not?

Filppula – What a neat goal.  He kept putting his stick on both sides of the puck and I was like, whoa man, pick a side! And then he did.  And then he scored.  Cool story, bro.

Cleary – Dan Cleary examines the curve of his stick far too often.  Maybe if he spent more time putting away the chances he gets 3 feet from the net instead of reevaluating the makeup of his stick, I wouldn't be such a prick.

Miller – I seriously don't know who this man is.  Honestly.  It takes me all year to learn the Wings line-up, even though they only make about 3 changes.  Plus Kyle gave me the impression that this guy wasn't going to be around for a long time, or at least he wouldn't matter, so if this sounds ignorant, you know who to blame.

Helm – I've found that it's best not to look directly at Darren Helm, but alas, I did it again.  My retinas hurt.

Eaves – I haven't heard his name as much as usual, but seriously, this is the best-looking Red Wing.  I don't mean that in a playing sort of way, this guy is just super handsome.  That may sound strange, but whatever, I'm over it.

Draper – Maybe that empty section from the third period found out that Draper was wearing a USA jersey during practice.  Do we seriously have to hear about that three times from larry shot-for-shot Murphy?  Or Murphs, as I call him.  This is all I have to say about Draper, because this is all he's done of note tonight.

Leino – His beard is looking pretty good, aside form that I mean... He's seriously my 5^th or 8^th favorite Finn.

Abdelkader –

Abdelkader is
worthy of a haiku man
where the fuck am I?

Maltby – Ol' Matlz, as we who are close to him call him, is 52 years old come the Ides of March.  I don't know if that's a fact or not, but I'm on the internet so it really doesn't matter.

Lidstrom – Super as always.  Seriously what more can I say?  Surely hockey fans can nitpick “oh man, he blew this play” or whatever, but honestly, he's like the Brett Favre of the NHL. They're both pretty good and pretty old, they're both from Mississippi, they both played for the Atlanta Falcons at the beginning of their career, and each of them have the middle name “Lorenzo.” The only difference is that Lidstrom hasn't threatened to retire for the last 16 consecutive years.

Rafalski – Brian Rafalski is bald.  He also gets sick a lot.  Between these two things I can deduce only one conclusion: Brian Rafalski is a Meth Addict. * That's not true.  I think maybe I can be sued for that?  God I hope not.

Lebda – I sometimes wonder if Brett Lebda got enough oxygen at birth.

Stuart – Stadley Bruart, you sly dog you, what a stick save.

Meech – Aside from looking terrified and out of control on the breakaway, I've got no complaints about Derek Meech, but again, I don't really know what to look for.  This game is so stimulating, it's. . .

Ericsson – I was supposed to get a 1980's themed Jonathan Ericsson bobblehead last night.  I didn't.  The Griffins would have you believe that a shipment didn't come in, but I know this guy's just being a douche.  Something about naming-rights or a leveraged buyout, who knows.

Howard – I seriously gambled on this fucking game and was feeling good in the first period.  This whole team is a piece shit. Actually nevermind, it's now 3-2 Kings.  This sport is so lame I don't know how any of you read this piece of shit blog.

*Nothing substantiates that Brian Rafalski is a meth addict.  It's a push.